At the same American Legion hall...

[Captain O]

A big, fat, ugly woman grabbed me from behind and said, "You're cute, could I have your phone number?" I asked her, "Do you have a pen?" she replied, "Yes" and began fishing in her purse. I told her, "You'd better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

It took me ten minutes to recover from that groin kick, but what the hell.  :'(